1 - PICK A FIELD THAT CAN'T BE VERIFIED
"Try something like string theory...We can't question the expertise of scientists, because we aren't scientists".
2 - CHOOSE A SUBJECT THAT'S ACTUALLY SECRET
"Anybody who attacks the secret subject is, by definition, part of the cabal."
3 - BE SURE TO USE LOTS OF ABBREVIATIONS AND ACRONYMS
"Real experts don’t have time for extra syllables."
4 - SPEAK FROM THE BALLS, NOT FROM THE DIAPHRAGM
"In America, you’ve got to steer clear of nuance and ambivalence – and don’t even contemplate doubt."
(That's right!...and definitely not from the ovaries).
5 - DON'T BE AFRAID TO MAKE THINGS UP
"Experts make things up all the time. They’re qualified to."
6 - DON'T LIMIT YOURSELF TO CURRENT KNOWLEDGE
"If you worry too much about being up-to-date, you miss out on vast territories of obsolete knowledge just waiting to be reclaimed."
7 - GET AN HONORARY PHD
"All I did was give a speech, and now everybody has to call me Dr. Colbert."
(Probably taken more seriously than a real one.)
8 - MAKE A HABIT OF NAME-DROPPING
(So I was talking granulosa cells with Ken the other day...)
9 - BE FAMOUS. IT HELPS.
(The name of the game, and the only way to have half a chance at feeding yourself by doing science.)