Sunday, March 12, 2006

The Graduate Coffee Club Sponsorship Program

In face of the recent discussions about graduate student salaries, the activist in me has been wanting to use people power to increase the social standing of graduate students. This is why I am proud to announce the Graduate Coffee Club Sponsorship Program. Now members of the general population can donate to help relief efforts in the lab and fill the most important need of a graduate student: coffee. Our first graduate student looking for adoption is Rob, a 28 year old boy living in the shanty labs of The Bay area. You can give Rob a chance to grow up into a happy and successful scientist for as little as 30$ a month, the price of a cup of coffee a day. Don’t rob Rob of his coffee, he deserves a cup too. Like many other inhabitants of Soviet Graduatekistan, Rob has never held a job and lives under the poverty line.

Rob is chronically malnourished, and survives on a diet of pizza, coke and nanaimo bars. Rob has had many hardships in his life. His parents told him to become a lawyer or a unicycle rider but Rob took the unfortunate path of science. At first it was just reading a couple of articles in Wired, and then he was sneaking in the Nature magazine into the bathroom, and the next thing he knew, he was involved in hardcore role playing several times a week.

His friends and family pleaded him to stop before it was too late, but to no avail. Now Rob is looking for a sponsor. For the price of a cup of coffee a day, rob can have a cup of coffee a day. That’s 7 cups in a week, and 365 cups in a year! In exchange for this small contribution you will receive a picture of Rob in his natural habitat, “the Bench” and a drawing made by him, featuring rainbows and unicorns.

If you are still unconvinced, read one of our testimonials: “My name is Tony, and before I was sponsored I was really skinny and I had back problems, now thanks to the graduate sponsorship program, I’m skinny, have back problems and have a coffee addiction. Thank you sponsors!”. You too, can make a young graduate student’s dream come true, just like Tony, by sponsoring him into the coffee club.


rob said...

Laugh while you can.
Chicks dig unicorns and when I find the pot of gold at the end of that rainbow I'll pimp my unicorn and have the dopest ride and I'll buy ALL THE COFFEE IN THE WORLD. even the expensive fair trade stuff.