Friday, November 24, 2006

A brief history of life

From the uncyclopedia, the encyclopedia written by bears to piss Colbert off:

13,775,000,000 B.C. - After a night of sex known as the Big Bang, God creates the universe.
4,550,000,000 B.C. - The Earth is created
3,850,000,000 B.C. - The God of Evolution creates the First Organism
3,000,000,000 B.C. - Evolution becomes the main religion of earth's earliest residents known as the Prokaryotes
2,100,000,000 B.C. - Some of the Prokaryotes break away from the mainstream and start their own sect of Darwinism known as Eukaryia.
1,200,000,000 B.C. - The Eukaryotes permit some of their members to have more than one cell. The Prokaryote sect still forbids this practise.
670,000,000 B.C. - The Plant and Animal branches of the Eukaryote sect arise.
543,000,000 B.C. - Plants and Animals split into numerous denominations.
495,000,000 B.C. - The Vertebrate denomination, to which most practising evolutionists belong to is formed from the Animalian Eukaryote sect. Up to this point all life lives in the ocean, it is considered blasphemy to step onto land.
425,000,000 B.C. - Plants are granted land permits
410,000,000 B.C. - The God of Evolution gives vertebrates and other animals a land permit after years of protests and civil disobedience.
300,000,000 B.C. - The Reptilan branch of the Verebrates is formed.
251,000,000 B.C. - A group of animals reject the teachings of Darwinism and are promptly send to hell in the Permian Mass Extinction. The small sect of Mammalia branches off from Reptila, they remain a minority until after the Asteroid of Judgement.
245,000,000 B.C. - Dinosaurs are selected by God to become the rulers of the Earth.
200,000,000 B.C. - The real Jurassic Park starts filming. Directed by Steven Stegasaurus.
144,000,000 B.C. - Jurassic Park comes out on video.
65,000,000 B.C. - After a long reign, dinosaurs have become more arrogant, greedy, and cruel. Many reject the teachings of Darwinism. God punishes them by delivering the Asteroid of Judgement. A small group of dinosaurs, the Avians are loyal to the teachings and are spared. After this, God assigns Mammals to become the dominant sect of Life.
60,000,000 B.C. - Primates the sect that includes the degenerate Homo sapiens is formed.
50,000,000 B.C. - The early Equine sect of Mammalia which later forms an alliance with Homo sapiens is formed.
48,000,000 B.C. - Whales lose their limbs because of landmines, forced to live in the ocean.
35,000,000 B.C. - The Monkees, a popular group of Primates start their own sect.
20,000,000 B.C. - A group of Monkees, lose their tails and become known as apes.
8,000,000 B.C. - A group of Apes known as Hominids form their own sect.
5,555,555 B.C. - The last known mating between chimps and humans takes place.
4,444,444 B.C. - The prophet Lucy is born. She leads a sect known as Australpithecuses.
2,500,000 B.C. - An Australpithecus gives birth to the world's first, Homo.
2,499,999 B.C. - All Homos are banned from Australpithecus society, forced to start their own sect.
1,800,000 B.C. - Filming of the Ice Age Movie, Pleistocene begins, Homo gets his first erectus
1,000,000 B.C. - Clothes are invented.
750,000 B.C. - Fire is invented
200,000 B.C. - A group of well educated gay people known as sapiens form their own sect and begin to massacre other sects of Homo
50,000 B.C. - Homo sapiens enter into a pact with Canis lupus
40,000 B.C. - The Neanderthal massacre is perpetrated by Homo sapiens.
10,000 B.C. - Under what they believe is the instruction of God, woolly mammoths are massacred. The movie Pleistocene is finally done filming
9,999 B.C. - The movie Pleistocene is released on video. Agriculture is invented. Production of Holocene a sequel to Pleistocene begins.
7,000 B.C. - The wheel is invented.
4,004 B.C. - The false religion of creationism is started by a radical group of Homo sapiens.
3,000 B.C. - Homo sapiens enter into alliances with both the Felis and Equus sects.
2,000 B.C - Most Homo sapiens forced to adopt creationist beliefs by the prophet Moses. Dissidents are slaughtered summarily.
44 B.C. - Julius Caesar is murdered for his Darwinist beliefs'.
0 A.D. - Jesus Christ, the prophet of Creationism is born.
666 A.D. - Mohammed, another creationist prophet is born.
1,809 A.D. - The great evolutionary prophet Charles Darwin is born.
1,835 A.D. - Darwin has a religious revelation while vacationing on the cruise ship Beagle
1,859 A.D. - The Bible of Evolution, The Origin of Species, is published
1,882 A.D. - The Prophet Charles Darwin passes away at home.
1,925 A.D. - High School Science Teacher John Scopes is sentenced to death for having Darwinist beliefs.
1,987 A.D. - Darwinism is tolerated but the majority of Homo sapiens still support Creationism.
1,999 A.D. - Kingdom of Kansas forbids teaching of Darwinist beliefs
2,005 A.D. - Judge Jones upholds Religious Freedom and allows Darwinism to be taught.


Bayman said...

Ha. Nice site. Love that pic too. All hail the prophet Darwin!

Bayman said...

Actually that kinda sounds like the Francis Collins history of the universe...Darwinian evolution orchestrated by God.

Charles Darwin said...

You bastards are so dead, I'm suing your irreverent asses for defamatation.

Anonymous said...

You left me out, you bastard! Suck my noodly appendage!


James Watson said...

Sorry flying spaghetti monster, but your status as a God automatically disqualifies you from practicing science. Since you created the entire world with your awesome noodly appendages, you already know all the answers and would ruin it for the rest of us.