Is that a phantom in your pocket, or are you happy to see me?

Phantom limb syndrome is a well documented and apparantly quite common phenomenon among amputees. It's the sensation that a missing limb is still there, and even responding to stimuli. But the upper and lower extremities (i.e. legs and arms) aren't the only body parts surgically removed. What happens, for example, when a man has his penis removed as part of a sex-change operation? Wonder no more:

[R]eports on the phantom penis and its treatment are very rare. We experienced a patient who underwent sex reassignment surgery in whom the sensation of a phantom erectile penis persisted.

The case study, publised in Acta Medica Okayama this past year, is freely available here (and complete with pictures) and describes the case of a 52-year old man who had male-to-female transgender surgery. Phantom erections are quite common after penis amputation either from sex reassignment or trauma (such as being assaulted by Lorena Bobbitt) but usually stop after a couple of weeks. This man's persisted for over 6 months before he returned to the operating room to have it fixed. The surgeons removed some of the underlying erectile tissue shortly after which the invisible hard-on disappeared. Neurotopia has a more detailed discussion of this case, and the underlying neurology of phantom limbs in general.

What is it with men and vacuum cleaners?

Men have a love-hate relationship with vacuum cleaners. On one hand it seem to symbolize their domestication, while on the other it is a fetish of robotic love. Is it a coincidence that the first robot to have invaded our homes is the roomba?

Take this man for example, giving a review on amazon:
"Listen, maybe because I am a man, and in our society men have been stereotyped as helpless boobs who couldn't make a bowl of cereal without the help of a wife/mom/fairy godmother, I should be not the person to review this product. But since my wife likes this vacuum, and because as such I cannot smash into a million pieces with a fungo bat, I have to write this review to get even the Electrolux Oxygen Ultra, an object that is now my sworn enemy, from now until the end of eternity. I hate this vacuum. Every moment I use it is a chance to ruminate on how much I hate it. Seriously. I vacuum around the house saying to myself, "I hate this vacuum. You know what? This is a really terrible vacuum. I don't think I like this vacuum. [...] This is clearly what I get for being dumb enough to buy a $600 vacuum. I'm sure the Electrolux has the sucking power of 1,000 Kevin Federlines, and can filter out all the potential carcinogens and death spores I've been told pollute our air."

And contrast it to this man:
"A 51-year-old man decided to satisfy his fantasy of robotic love by seeking sexual gratification with his vacuum cleaner. Most men would think twice before poking a valuable organ into a vacuum, but this optimistic fellow had no qualms about the safety of his intended course of action. [...] His search for pleasure was cut short seconds after he stuck his penis into the vacuum and the blade lopped off part of his penis."

You may (or may not) be surprised to learn that this type of injury is quite common. According to this report in the European Urology Journal, out of 48 masturbation related injury, 12 were from inserting objects into the urethra while a whopping 36 were from vacuum cleaners.

According to this abstract, it is a dangerous occupation: "Erotic stimulation by the use of vacuum cleaners or electric brooms appears to be a common form of masturbation. Unfortunately, and contrary to apparent public appreciation, injury due to this form of autostimulation may not be unusual. Five cases of significant penile trauma resulting from this form of masturbation are presented, with a spectrum of severe injuries, including loss of the glans penis."

But the best part is the "explanation" that is given to the physician...

The spotted hyena puts you to shame

I Have been accused of writing more about genitals than about science on the bayblab. OK, fine, but I give the people what they want... So I'll unload everything at once so we can concentrate on the science again.

The spotted hyena has had a bad reputation in the past. They are associated with death, scavenging, uncleanliness, cowardice, gluttony, sexual deviance. Early naturalist thought the hyena was a hermaphrodite, or that it practiced homosexuality. This was an understandable misconception. Female spotted hyena are actually slightly bigger than the male, and they have an enlarged clitoris that forms a pseudo-penis. The females give birth, copulate and urinate through their protruding clitoris. Interestingly, this anatomical feature is not dependent on high male hormones as was once thought, since, if testosterone is removed from the womb, they develop normally. The evolutionary advantage of this apparatus is unclear, as it makes copulation and birth more difficult. However, it does enable the female to have complete control over her mating partner, allowing the matriarchal society to persist.

There is a similar human condition of pseudo-hermatophroditism that results in an enlarged "clitoris". It is the consequence of 5-alpha reductase deficiency (5-ARD). The deficiency prevents the conversion of testosterone into DHT which is necessary for the development of male external genitalia. In fact there is an important cluster of 5-ARD in Papua New Guinea, where locals recognize 3 sexes in the society. Sexuality in New Guinea, has always intrigued explorers. The natives wear a Koteka, or penis-gourd, which can be pointy, curly, painted, massive, small penis-shaped depending on the tribe of origin. While the size of the penis gourd does not reflect status in the tribe, it is often used for communication such as saluting or expressing emotions such as astonishment. The explorer Matthew Stirling notes "They indicate astonishment by clicking their gourd penis covers with their finger nails and needless to say our camp sounded like a Western Union telegraph office most of the day as almost everything we had was a wonder to them."

But Papua New-Guinea natives have nothing on the Australian natives when it comes to penis salutations. The men of the Walibri tribe of central Australia, shake each others penises when they greet, much like we shake hands in the west. You can find numerous accounts of this custom of the Walibri tribe on the web, along with other strange sexual facts also in this book...

Penises of the Animal Kingdom

Evolution has graced the Earth with a multitude of different species, and with them an array of genitalia that make the human frank-and-beans look like, well, frank and beans by comparison. Here's a list of some of the most interesting ones I've come across.

6) Barnacle - Despite spending it's entire lifetime bathed in frigid seawater, the barnacle doesn't suffer from shrinkage. On the contrary, the Dirk Diggler of the animal kingdom has a penis up to 50 times it's body length - making it the world's largest penis, relative to size. The reason size DOES matter? They're immobile and need the length to reach their mates.

5) Kangaroo - We've talked about interesting penis shapes before with the corkscrew penis of certain ducks. Pigs also have a corkscrew penis, but why go for a single freakshow when you can double your pleasure instead? Like many marsupials, the kangaroo has a bifurcated (or forked) penis, and the scrotum and testes are in the front. This matches the dual vaginas/uteri of female marsupials. Stranger still, the echidna penis (pictured) has 4 heads!

4) Dolphins - The dolphin, like some other cetaceans, has a retractable penis that is also prehensile, meaning it can grab, hold and wrap around an object (think monkey tail). Imagine the benefits of such an appendage! This guy did. But what's even more disturbing, is this joke faq about how to have sex with a dolphin. At least I hope it's a joke.

3) Argonaut - This specialized octopus can use its penis without having physical contact with a female. Like many cephalopods, the penis is a special tentacle called the hectocotylus. In the case of the argonaut it detaches and swims to its mate, embedding in the female and impregnating her.

2) Bee - Like any man, the male honeybee climaxes with an explosion. Unlike men, the male bee genitals literally explode and snap off inside the queen. Afterwards, the males do what any of us would if our testes exploded and our penis snapped off - they wander off to the corner and die. A similar phenomenon has also been observed in certain spiders. The evolutionary rationale is that the detached genitals act as a plug preventing other males from mating with the queen

1) Bedbug - The bedbug doesn't mess around with foreplay. In fact it doesn't even mess around with female genitals. Instead, the male uses its dagger-like johnson to pierce the body of the female and inseminate her. The bedbug isn't the only species with such a violent mating process. Hermaphroditic flatworms duel with their penises with the loser being pierced and becoming pregnant. I see your Schwartz is as big as mine!