Wednesday, July 04, 2007

Penises of the Animal Kingdom

Evolution has graced the Earth with a multitude of different species, and with them an array of genitalia that make the human frank-and-beans look like, well, frank and beans by comparison. Here's a list of some of the most interesting ones I've come across.

6) Barnacle - Despite spending it's entire lifetime bathed in frigid seawater, the barnacle doesn't suffer from shrinkage. On the contrary, the Dirk Diggler of the animal kingdom has a penis up to 50 times it's body length - making it the world's largest penis, relative to size. The reason size DOES matter? They're immobile and need the length to reach their mates.

5) Kangaroo - We've talked about interesting penis shapes before with the corkscrew penis of certain ducks. Pigs also have a corkscrew penis, but why go for a single freakshow when you can double your pleasure instead? Like many marsupials, the kangaroo has a bifurcated (or forked) penis, and the scrotum and testes are in the front. This matches the dual vaginas/uteri of female marsupials. Stranger still, the echidna penis (pictured) has 4 heads!

4) Dolphins - The dolphin, like some other cetaceans, has a retractable penis that is also prehensile, meaning it can grab, hold and wrap around an object (think monkey tail). Imagine the benefits of such an appendage! This guy did. But what's even more disturbing, is this joke faq about how to have sex with a dolphin. At least I hope it's a joke.

3) Argonaut - This specialized octopus can use its penis without having physical contact with a female. Like many cephalopods, the penis is a special tentacle called the hectocotylus. In the case of the argonaut it detaches and swims to its mate, embedding in the female and impregnating her.

2) Bee - Like any man, the male honeybee climaxes with an explosion. Unlike men, the male bee genitals literally explode and snap off inside the queen. Afterwards, the males do what any of us would if our testes exploded and our penis snapped off - they wander off to the corner and die. A similar phenomenon has also been observed in certain spiders. The evolutionary rationale is that the detached genitals act as a plug preventing other males from mating with the queen

1) Bedbug - The bedbug doesn't mess around with foreplay. In fact it doesn't even mess around with female genitals. Instead, the male uses its dagger-like johnson to pierce the body of the female and inseminate her. The bedbug isn't the only species with such a violent mating process. Hermaphroditic flatworms duel with their penises with the loser being pierced and becoming pregnant. I see your Schwartz is as big as mine!


43 comments:

Anonymous Coward said...

When it comes to mammals we pale in comparison of the tapir: "The penis of the male tapir is very long when erect (>49cm). The tapir has one of the longest penis to body size ratios of any animal. The specimen of tapir believed to have the longest penis ever observed is currently on display at the Koenigsberg Zoo."

Or the blue whale (>5m)
elephant (>1.5m)
...

kamel said...

Strangely, male gorillas - which are relatively huge have what might qualify as a micropenis - 4cm in length.

Kevin Z said...

This is the best post ever! You should check out Dr. Tatina's Sex Advice to All Creation. Lots of great sex info around the animal kingdom for a fun read.

Cameron McCormick said...

Don't forget the Argentine lake duck. A bird having a penis in the first place is somewhat unusual, let alone one that can be longer than its own body. The enthusiasm behind the title is pretty hysterical.

http://www.abc.net.au/science/news/enviro/EnviroRepublish_366856.htm

Sweet blog by the way, you've been linked.

Anonymous said...

I'm not sure where the kangaroo penises are forked thing got started. It is true that many of the more generic marsupials, the opossums, daysures, yapoks, sugar gliders, etc have forked penises, (split uterus in the female to maximize embryo production surface - corresponding male split organ)

Kangaroos comparitively go for a quality over quantity approach and the males penises are normally not forked.

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