Wednesday, April 04, 2007

Left-Handedness is the Pinnacle of Evolution

Enough with the molecular reductionism. We all know it's fun to theorize and hand-wave about the molecular basis of life, but of course real biologists ignore molecules and go right to the in vivo models. And what have we learned about the evolution of left-handedness from these more relevant human studies?

  • Left-handed men are worth more to society than right-handers, as evidenced by the fact that their salaries are 26% higher.
  • Left-handers get their own special scissors, because they are better at arts and crafts.
  • The QWERTY keyboard was designed specifically for lefties, with all the important letters on the left, becuase left-handers are the only ones who have thoughts worth typing.
  • Bike helmet straps designed for right-handers, because lefties more co-ordinated and don't need to wear helmets.
  • The leaders of the most successful empires of human history were left-handed - most of the British Royal family, Alexender the Great, Charlemagne, Julius Caesar and Napoleon were lefties. This obviously contributed to their success and TOTAL WORLD DOMINATION. For example Napoleon taught all his soldiers to be kick-ass left-handed swordsmen and based his military strategy around this special ability...the rest is history.
  • George Bush Sr. (the smart one) is left handed. George Bush Jr. (the illiterate one who invaded Iraq) is not.
  • In music, Jimi Hendrix was left-handed and the greatest guitar player to ever live.
  • The most intelligent two humans ever born were left-handed. Albert Einstein and Leonardo DaVinci.
You might ask, why then, if left-handedness is superior and therefore under positive selection, are there currently much fewer lefties than right-handers around? Actually this has nothing to do with evolution. The true reason for this discrepancy is that God is jealous of left-handers because they are better than him in all ways, which he did not intend when he first began to direct the evolution of humans. He therefore banded with the right-handers, convincing them to form a right-handedness conspiracy in an effort to wipe out the lefties. It is well known that the church persecuted left-handed children as "devil-spawn", and school-masters tried, with significant success, to beat the left-handedness out of young children. The church also refused to marry left-handed "agents of satan", directly leading to diminished reproductive success.

Fortunately, enlightened lefties like Joan of Arc, Leonardo da Vinci, Pablo Picasso, Jack the Ripper, Benjamin Franklin, Fidel Castro, Gandhi, Buzz Aldrin, Ted Koppel, Bart Simpson, Ross Perot, Tom Cruise (in Mission Impossible), Rocky Balboa (especially in part III), Rambo (the original) and Bob Dylan refused to cave to oppression and fought to overthrow the church's dominance of society, establish human rights and develop more just societies. As a result, human evolution has been freed from the reign of the right-handed conspiracy, and the frequency of lefties has been on the rise for the past sixty years (see fig below). Obviously, left-handedness is superior and that is why life evolves to be left-handed, not just at the molecular level, but the important ones too (although there is an outside chance that it may be caused by global warming).

Digg this story NOW.


Anonymous Coward said...


Anonymous said...

Excellent rant Bayman! For once, something I agree with. Keep up the good work...

t-bozz said...

lefties are wierd. just look at ned flanders. do you really want to be associated with him and his "leftorium"?

Dominic B. said...

Being a lefty myself...I am pleased with this story. The funny this is that whenever I give an exam I always count the number of lefties in my class...the lowest rate is 5% and the highest is 20%. Thanks for that story!

Anonymous said...

good to know left handed people were almost completely uneccesary for the establishment of a concept of human rights (and "western democracy" not that its too much to be proud of righties)

Jerry said...

Actually Albert Einstein was not left handed, and William Siditz was technically the most intelligent Human on record. He was lecturing Harvard professors at age 11 (and he was right handed!). This is very close to fact. Most of your information here, however, is totally false. Don't get me wrong, I am left handed, I wouldn't mind to have Einstein on my side but it wasn't meant to be.

Anonymous said...

Jerry, of course it's full of lies. Lefties' "sinister" reputation isn't unearned.